Emotional Rollercoaster

I love music!

So sometimes, I will use a song or a lyric to express how I am currently feeling.

Current Feeling/Emotion: rollercoasterish

Alright, so lets jump into some of the juiciness of Tatiana and Jacoby.

For all of my followers, hopefully you've read my "about me" page. Which gives you a lil background on me. Well here's a lil blurb for those who didnt read it. I am a 28 year old self-employed attorney. I am licensed to practice law in 2 states. And I am currently trying to master the art of learning when and when not to speak (hence the blog - so its speaking for me -- during the times, I elect to "not speak" to the parties involved) I've learned that sometimes, holding your tongue can keep peace in the home/marriage. Other times, I've learned that holding your tongue will allow you to be walked over, SO im practicing finding a happy medium.

A lil bit about Jacoby. He used to live out here a few years ago and when he was out here, things were good for him. He moved back home for familial reasons (and thats where he met me at), and a lil less than 2 years ago, we decided to move back out here.

Jacoby is a musician. He has been playing the drums since he was 2 (according to his mom) and he desires to be a music producer and has over 400 tracks in his collection that he has produced. (his family is also very musically talented). However, when he moved back home, some of his contacts out here (or should i say the majority of his contacts out here) faded away, by either moving, phone numbers changing etc.... So he has been having a hard time finding a steady band gig. He is an awesome drummer! In addition, he hasn't been able to find a job. (i'm sure I will definitely get into this topic in a later post) so we are a 1 income household. (did you know financial troubles are one of the main causes of divorce??)

So, I am extremely "ambitious" and a go-getter. My motto is "if you don't like your situation, change it" , Jacoby ......not so much (or should I say -- in my perspective)

So, since we have been living here, he has not been living his "dream", which was the whole reason for us moving out here. So, he is depressed. :(

Since I met him 8 years ago, he has been on/off depressed. Sometimes better than others. But lately, it seems to be getting worse (or either he puts on a show for me - -when I come home). I can TOTALLY see why he's depressed, and Im tryna be supportive, but I dont think im doing to good at "being supportive", although I am trying. He refuses to see anyone to get some help or medication. So he self-medicates a.k.a. weed.

So, although, im tryna be supportive, its starting to "irk" me.....for a few reasons.
1) When he goes into his "man-cave" aka, the garage...I can hear him laughing and joking with his friends on the phone, then when he comes up stairs, he's moping around and being "depressed"
2) Its affecting our sex life. Ok, so we are still newlyweds. I always heard the jokes that married people dont have sex....that shit is true! Mid Last year, I started keeping a calendar of when we engaged in sexual activities, and it was pretty pathetic. 2 times a month??? So to avoid myself getting depressed, I stopped keeping track of the times we have sex.

Now, I am on birth-control which kills your sex drive, so its not like I am a nympho or anything, I'd be happy with 1-2 times a week....at least 4 times a month? Is that too much to ask?

So, I started going back and forth with this issue....first doing self-assessment. Second...thinking, maybe he's cheating, third, thinking maybe its related to the depression.

Self assessment - So I admit, i'm not as skinny as I was when we first met 8 years ago.....and I also realized that maybe I could be "boring" in the bedroom. So I talked to a few of my "nympho-freak" friends and got some advice on how to spark things up in the bedroom. So, if maybe the reason that we werent having sex, was because he was bored, surely pulling some new tricks out the bag, would make him excited about sex, and in turn - - we'd have more sex.....ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN wrong answer, you are the weakest link - not the solution. So I have a high amount of self-esteem. I know that I'm not the prettiest person in the world, but, i have high-self esteem and alot of self-confidence. If I were 500 lbs, I would still think I was as fine as Beyonce. So I figured, with the weight gain since we met, maybe he wasnt as physically attracted to me. In the past, I have had problems losing weight the traditional way. I would diet and exercise for a week...not see a pound lost and give up. So, I decided to get some professional help. I am taking diet pills (and boy are they magic diet pills). I started taking them March 13. and today, April 20, I am 15 pounds lighter, which you can really tell. Since, I started taking the pills 5 weeks ago, we have only had sex 1 time. O.N.E. time. So....maybe its not the weight factor???

s/n - last time I had an orgazm was a few weeks ago, while I was sleeping - in my damn dream, which means, I didnt really orgazm, I was just dreaming I did!

maybe he's cheating - I just think about his sex drive in the past, compared to what it is today, and I dont know where its going to...then I read all these articles where it says men keep sex on the brain 80% of the day. Well, like I said earlier, I am a very bright young lady....I am by no means NAIVE! He doesn't have a cell phone (we can't afford one - plus he stays at home all day - so all we have is a house phone) I can check the incoming/outgoing call log online (he doesnt have passwords to any thing - he trusts me to handle everything - which If I died today - - he would have a hard time - even accessing the bank account) So I can see all the calls. And all of them are to his friends back home. So, say a chick was comin by the house - I try to come home at different hours of the day without callin first....plus I would know if ANYTHING was touched in my house.

Email - well a couple of times, he may have left it "accessible" - and no trace of any cheating or foul play - which helps calm my nerves. Because I do not really believe in Divorce, but there are 3 things that I told him would get him divorced from me and 1 of them is cheating....I would be sooooo hurt to know that he was withholding from me and giving to someone else, when in the 8 years we've been together, i've NEVER stepped out on him and cheated on him. (besides my Boris Kodjoe fantasies, lol)

depression - One of the points that every article on depression mentions is the decreased sexual drive that depressed people experience. So, for now....im leaving this as the main reason for our non-existent sex life....(its so bad, i've considered raping him while he's sleep, lol - just taking it - its mine - i've earned it, lol) Yesterday, I was researching depression medications, and that just happens to be another "side effect" of taking meds...decreased sex drive...so medicine wouldn't help my problem....although it would probably help his depression.

So I think that i've written a long enough BOOK for tonight....ill probably watch a couple of the Michael Jackson death hoax videos on youtube and then go to bed....without getting any...

I've left room for people to leave comments and advice or (even prayer), so feel free to leave a comment - I'll have to approve it to make sure its not spam - but feel free to comment, follow me, subscribe to the RSS or become my "virtual" friend.

s/Tatiana